Hello Mama, and welcome to blog post SIX of Mumstoppable! I am SO excited about today’s post. (I know I say this every week, but I genuinely LOVE writing these blogs, and feel so grateful that so many of you are reading each week and are finding real value in them). This week, we are looking at Blue Monday and what coaching tools and techniques we can use to get through what is ultimately a pretty grim time of the year…

For those of you that want to listen - click below to play the podcast:

Otherwise, you can read this week’s show notes below:

So, before we move on, how did you find last week’s post? I hope you found #coachingcorner useful, and that it has set you up for a really positive start to the year, full of hope and intentional action. And if not, and you’re still in hibernation mode, that’s okay too, Mama! The beauty of these posts is that you can take what you need from them, when you need them. So when you’re feeling up to it and want a bit of a momentum boost, flick back to last week’s post and it should help set you up.

Now, today I’m going to be a bit more gentle with you all, and that’s because today is “Blue Monday”. A lot of you will likely have heard of that before, but for those of you that haven’t, or don’t know what it means, it’s the name given to a day in January (typically the third Monday of the month) said to be the most depressing day of the year…

Nice, huh? Now I don't want to get too bogged down in it, but when I was researching this episode I did find out about the history of the term “Blue Monday” and thought it was really interesting, so I want to share it with you all.

So, according to good old Wikipedia, the concept of Blue Monday was first published in a 2005 press release from the company, which claimed to have calculated the date using an "equation". It takes into account weather conditions and thus only applies to the Northern Hemisphere. The date is generally reported as falling on the third Monday in January, but could also fall on the second or fourth Monday. 

Now the geeky backstory… the date was worked out by the writing of a super cool looking “E = mc2” style formula (see below for the real equation - cool huh?!), and the determining factors for working it out include: weather conditions, debt level (the difference between debt accumulated and ability to pay), time since Christmas, time since new year’s resolutions have been broken, low motivation levels, and the feeling of a need to take action.

Interesting huh?! The other interesting thing, though, which I did not know before conducting my research, is that the entire concept of Blue Monday was allegedly commissioned by a travel company so that they could sell holidays off the back of it…!

AND, as if that’s not pub-quiz worthy enough, a few years after the first mention of “Blue Monday”, an ice cream company commissioned a related piece of work to determine what the “happiest day of the year” would be, and it tends to be around the middle of June each year! So interesting!

Anyway, I digress. The point is, regardless of whether “Blue Monday” is correct or not, a lot of us will be feeling fairly blue in January because, as mentioned, we’ve come off the back of the high of Christmas, a lot of us will have made new year’s resolutions and have failed them by now, the weather is pretty miserable, the days are short, and it’s all just a bit… meh.

And if you think about it, the animal kingdom shows us this is completely normal… Some animals (the sensible ones, if you ask me) are in hibernation. A lot of plants have died back and are looking very bare. We don’t have any of the abundance of growth in the veggie patch as everything has been harvested, and in fact the work to be done there is either tidying up or doing nothing at all…

So why should it be different for us, Mamas? In fact, regardless of the seasonality, according to Peanut app’s “The State of Invisibility” report, 95% of UK mums believe that THE INVISIBILITY OF MATERNAL EXPERIENCES HAS AN IMPACT ON WOMEN’S MENTAL HEALTH & OVERALL WELLBEING

And because January also often sees us all staying home much more, because it’s cold outside, we are even more isolated and invisible than ever.

The other thing is, and we’ve talked about this before, but as mums we are so used to sacrificing for our kids and putting their needs first that often it can lead to our cups feeling decidedly empty. And this, on top of the crapness of January, can often be the straw that broke the camel’s back. But if you think about it, Mama, taking care of yourself is part of taking care of your kids.

Because if you are not feeling okay, and balanced, and steady in yourself, you cannot possibly be functioning at your best for your kids. That’s why today we are going to keep it very gentle, we’re going to be focusing on being kind to ourselves, and we are going to focus on how we can ensure our cups are not empty… 

And that, Mama, brings us to this week’s #coachingcorner, in which we are going to be talking about NEEDS!

Now, I’m going to go a bit “teachery” on you before we get to the fun stuff today, because, as we all know, I am a massive geek and love stats and theory and learning in general. So I find this really interesting, and I hope you do too… 

We’re going to start with looking at what a human need actually is. And for that I’m going to turn to the fairly well known “Maslow” and his “Hierarchy of Needs”, which was written way back in 1943. In this paper, Maslow outlines a theory he has, whereby all human needs can be plotted into a pyramid, and he claims that humans need to fulfil the needs of each level (starting at the bottom) before they can move up to the next level, culminating in feeling truly fulfilled. 

For example, the bottom layer of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is “physiological needs” like food and water - basic things that we need to stay alive. The second level is “safety” - things like a house to live in, things that make you feel secure. Third is “love and belonging” - a family and/or network of friends for example. Next comes “esteem” or feeling accomplished, and at the very top of the pyramid is “self actualisation” - which Maslow sees as achieving your true potential and which includes “creative activities”.

Now that’s all quite detailed and has issues when we try to apply it to our modern day life, BUT the gist is that there are needs we have as humans, without which we are not “okay”. Without which, we cannot feel balanced or grounded or whatever you want to call it.

In reality, yes those needs will include things like food and water, a home, a family and close network of friends, accomplishing things in our lives. But beyond that, we are all SO different that our needs can also look very different.

For some of us, we may genuinely NEED a hot cup of coffee and 30 mins of peace in the morning before we feel okay to get up and deal with the day. Others may NEED to get outside for an hour a day, to feel grounded. Everyone will NEED a different amount of hours of sleep to function properly (and mums with babies and young kids, at this point I want to salute you! I remember the sleepless nights, and my sister is going through them right now so I feel like I am reliving them, and I SEE YOU, I FEEL FOR YOU. Just know that you WILL survive, and things WILL get better). Some people may need a massage every month to feel truly okay in themselves.

The point is, needs are different for everybody. And there are daily needs (x amount of sleep, food and water related needs), weekly needs (could be x amount of exercise), and monthly needs (a massage). And although it sounds simple, until you sit down and think through them, you can’t really know that you’re fulfilling enough of them to be starting with a cup that’s got enough in to get you through the day.

Now before we move on, I do want to say that needs are different to DESIRES. Desires are things we could live without, but which we LIKE to do. For example, enjoying a couple of glasses of wine over dinner. Or buying a lottery ticket every week. The way to think about it is “does this thing get me to feeling “okay”? Do I need to tick that box in order to feel grounded?” If the answer is yes, it’s likely a need. If not, maybe it’s a desire.

Desires can also be where people fall down a bit, as they can try to overcompensate for NOT having fulfilled their needs, with desires. This is where bad habits can be created, but we will save that for another day.

For now, let’s focus on NEEDS and what your specific NEEDS are, Mama.

So, I want you to take out a pen, or use the notes section of your app and start to list out everything you think is a NEED for you. Let’s start with basic needs… 

• Think about how much sleep you need to feel okay? 

• How much water? 

• Do you need a specific amount of food each day? For example, I cannot deal with eating less than 3 meals a day, one of which needs to be a hot, cooked meal… Other people can skip meals but might need to graze throughout the day to feel okay. 

• Is there a certain amount or type of exercise you need to do to feel okay?

Good job. Next let’s look at psychological needs:

• Do you need an amount of alone time each day?

• Do you need to have any connection with friends or family? This could be a wake up cuddle with the kids, or a phone call with your sister for example.

• Do you need to practise meditation or mindfulness daily? Maybe you need to use breathing techniques throughout the day?

Great job, Mama! Keep going! Okay now we’re onto self-fulfilment needs:

• Do you need to listen to music daily?

• Do you have to have time to write in your journal?

• Maybe painting is your thing and you genuinely need to create art on a daily or weekly basis?

Brilliant, well done Mama! Now, remember you can revisit this post whenever you like, if you want to listen to these prompts again.

Take some time now to really check in with yourself, and carry on brainstorming all your needs. As you work through them, get really specific. With the food thing, for example, how many meals do you need? Do any of them need to be HOT meals? Is there something around organic ingredients or a certain amount of protein that you need? The more specific you get, the better.

As you progress through the rest of the week, I want you to really pay attention to your needs, Mama. And jot down any new ones that come to mind. Strike off any that don’t feel right. Get really specific, and BE HONEST about what is a need and what is a desire. Remember, these are things you NEED to get to “okay”, and without which you do not feel “okay” (this means you might feel down, grumpy, sad, etc without them).

When you get to the end of the week, you should have a lovely list of needs which are specific to you. Good job, Mama, that’s a real achievement!

Now comes a fun part of the exercise… when you have your list, I want you to get creative and put them all onto a sheet of A4 paper. Think of it as a poster of some kind. Get your pens back out, use different colours if you want to, you could take it a step further and cut out images from magazines or even draw them yourself. If you want something simpler, just bullet point them all. 

When you are done, I want you to take your NEEDS, and pin them up on the fridge, in pride of place where your whole family can see them!! There are two points to this, Mama. The first is, you’re likely to see this list multiple times a day if it’s on the fridge. And that will remind you to TAKE CARE OF YOUR NEEDS so that you have enough in the tank to take care of everyone else. 

The second point is that your whole family will see your needs, and will be able to support you in your quest to keep them met. I’ve had clients who have done this, who come back to me and say when they’re having a grump at one of their kids, the kid has gone to the fridge and asked whether she has met all her needs today!! And that’s cool because it keeps you accountable, but also it’s fostering really important conversations with our kids about how important it is to look after ourselves.

And that, Mama, is your NEEDS taken care of. When you’re taking care of your needs, things should feel much more positive. Your cup will be full, your energy replenished, and you’ll be more ready to take on Blue Monday and beyond. Simple, but something mums often forget as we’re so wrapped up in caring for others.

Good work, Mama!

#coachingchallenge

Right, now for the #coachingchallenge! This is another fun one! And one you can do with your kids. In fact, given the whole point of Mumstoppable is that I want to help mums like you with your mental health and wellness, I am wondering whether all the coaching challenges should be things you can get your kids involved with. (Or do on your own, but keeping them simple enough to involve them). What do you think? Let me know by emailing me at [email protected]

Anyway, I’ve been taking part in a manifestation challenge this month, and that, along with some work I’ve been doing with my coach (yes I have a coach, and I believe all the best coaches do!), has led me to thinking a lot about gratitude. 

We talked about this last week, but I really believe the energy we put out in the world is what we will get back. And by being grateful, we are communicating with the Universe, or Source, or God or whatever you believe in, to let them know what it is that we value, and it also brings the opportunity to ask for more of the same.

A lot of you will likely be familiar with how gratitude works. You may have dabbled with gratitude journaling, and if you’ve downloaded my FREE Self-Love journal then you’ll know it’s included in the 14 day journaling template there. (If you haven’t got this, by the way, click here to sign up to my newsletter. It’s totally free and a really cool resource).

With today’s #coachingchallenge we’re going to spice things up a bit though, and turn them into a bit of a game. It’s called “The Gratitude Game” (catchy I know) and it involves you telling someone one thing you’re grateful for about them. They then tell you one thing they are grateful for about you, and so on and so on. If you have more than one kid, you can either take turns or I tend to do a round robin with mine, so I’ll say something about my eldest, he will say something about his brother, and his brother will say something about me, and we keep going around and around until we run out. Then we reverse the circle.

It’s super simple and super fun and you may get some gems out of it. When I first did this with my kids, the best my youngest could do was things like “I am grateful for your hair”...... but now he fully understands and will come up with really lovely specific examples. My eldest, too, once said “I’m grateful that you are respectful, mum” and when I asked what he meant, he said “I am grateful that I can talk to you about anything and you always take it seriously and never treat it as a joke”.... I honestly welled up when he said that, it was such a beautiful moment…

So yes, play The Gratitude Game. Have some fun with it. Get the kids involved. Play it with a friend or partner instead if that feels more appropriate. Just get grateful, and you’ll find yourself in a much more positive, sparkly place this Blue Monday.

Well done, Mama, you’ve conquered this week’s blog. You really are an inspiration!

That brings us to the end of this week’s blog! Thank you once again for joining me, and well done for spending the last 30 mins doing something just for you! 

Enjoy working through this week’s coaching corner tips, and as always, I would LOVE to hear how you’re getting on with the coaching challenge, so please feel free to send me a quick email at [email protected] or find me on Instagram at @mumstoppable_ and send me a DM or leave a comment on one of my posts. 

You will also be able to find reminders of the coaching corner tips and details of the coaching challenge on Instagram towards the end of the week.

Over the coming weeks I’ll be talking to you about challenges facing mums ranging from feeling lost and like you don’t know who you are anymore, to surviving overwhelm as a mum, to motherhood and the strains that puts on your relationships, to the struggle of returning to work. Please also feel free to email me with any challenges you’re facing which you’d like me to cover off on upcoming sessions.

If you’ve liked what you’ve read today, please do sign up to my newsletter by clicking here. As a thank you for signing up, you can choose to receive my FREE Self-Love Journal, which is full of gorgeous self-love exercises and a 14 day journal template for you to print and fill out. 

And more importantly, by signing up, you’re guaranteeing you’ll never miss a blog post (or Podcast episode!) as they will land directly in your inbox every Monday morning.

For now, though, have an awesome week, and remember:

I see you, Mama. 

You’ve got this. 

You are Mumstoppable!