3 Steps to a Successful Relationship After Kids
Hello Mama, and welcome to episode TEN of Mumstoppable (double digits, baby)!
First, I get you’re busy, Mama. So let me tell you the top 3 reasons why investing 30 minutes in this episode is a game-changer:
Unlock the Secret to Successful Relationships After Kids:
In just 30 minutes, this episode of Mumstoppable dives into the insightful concept of the "5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I also look at how this concept can help you better understand yourself and your partner/family/friends.
Effortless Self-Discovery Tailored for Busy Mums:
This episode offers a quick and practical guide to discovering your primary love language, an essential foundation for building successful relationships. Understanding your own needs and preferences sets the stage for more meaningful connections without overwhelming time commitments.
Fun Coaching Challenge for Immediate Impact:
Take on the #coachingchallenge presented in this episode for a fun and impactful experience! Set up a #datenight with your partner, kids, or best friend, incorporating elements aligned with their primary love language. This hands-on challenge provides an opportunity to apply the insights gained from the episode in a real-life setting, enhancing your connection and bringing joy to your relationships.
Tune in, invest 30 minutes in yourself, and take the first steps towards a more fulfilling and connected life. Your well-being and the happiness of your loved ones are worth it!
For those of you that want to listen - click below to play the podcast:
Otherwise, you can read this week’s show notes below:
Hello Mama! Welcome again to episode TEN of Mumstoppable - we are in double digits now - woop! Thank you once again for joining me this week. As a mum of two boys myself, I know how busy you are, and I appreciate you showing up and giving me 30 mins of your time. And more than that, well done for committing to investing the next 30 mins on YOU, Mama!
This week it’s Valentine’s Day, which to be honest I have mixed feelings about… For the most part I think it’s hyper-consumerism at its worst… with people spending ridiculous amounts of money to show someone how much they love them… and when really we should all be working at showing people how much we love them all year round.
BUT the other part of me is a sucker for any holiday, and I do really enjoy doing little things to celebrate Valentine’s Day, like making heart shaped toast for the kids for breakfast. So generally speaking we will do little things for each other as a family, but nothing major.
Now one thing they never told me in ante-natal classes was just how much of a strain having kids would put on my relationship with my husband. And just when we thought we had it nailed, baby 2 came along and it was like a hand grenade went off...
Having any relationship after kids is HARD WORK. Because your priorities have entirely changed, your identity is shifting, you're surviving on hardly any sleep, you're being pulled from pillar to post, and it's all just A LOT to deal with. But that's okay, Mama, because I am here to help.
And that's why, along with the fact it’s Valentine’s Day this very week, this week's podcast is all about 3 steps you can take TODAY to help your relationship after kids succeed. And you can apply these same steps to ANY relationship, be it your significant other, your family members or your friends. So, for the single Mamas out there, I see you and I’ve got your back. Keep listening as this episode is for ALL mums.
Before we delve in on this, I did want to make one point about relationships and happiness in general, and it’s this… happiness is an inside job. I know that sounds like a t-shirt slogan, but I honestly believe it’s true. Happiness comes from within each of us. So if you’re not happy with yourself, if you’re not in a place where you love yourself, my advice is to pause this episode right now, and go back and listen to any of the earlier episodes around self-love or finding yourself. This is a really important step, because if you jump ahead and try to work on your relationships before you’re ready, you’re going to have an uphill battle. These things take time, Mama. So take the time to work on YOU first, and then come back to this episode when you’re ready.
This also gives me a quick opportunity to talk very briefly about the upcoming Mumstoppable mobile app, because within it I am giving you access to my signature “12 Weeks to a Mumstoppable You” course. Across the space of 12 weeks, I’ll guide you through audio lessons, using coaching tools and techniques to get you to rediscover yourself without the “mum mask”. Together we will work on the 3 Cs - clarity around who you are and what you want, connections with yourself and others, and finally commitment where we look at how you can keep that Mumstoppable feeling long-term. Now the reason I mention this is that within the app, the lessons are arranged in a specific order for a reason. We do ALL the work on you up front, and when we are happy that you have clarity and love yourself (and I’ll check in on that with you in a LIVE group coaching scenario after week 4), we move onto connections which includes relationships. So if you’ve enjoyed my podcasts and you want more Mumstoppable content, click here to sign up to be one of the first to know when we launch in March.
Okay now let’s get back on topic - before we go into those all important 3 steps to a successful relationship after kids, I want to bring your attention to a book called the 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. If you haven’t read it and like self-development books then I highly recommend reading this one. It’s also not a really long book, so you can get through it fairly quickly. Because I know you’re busy though, Mama, I’m going to summarise for you here.
So the premise of the book is that everyone has a particular type of connection which resonates with us. These connections are what Chapman refers to as the 5 Love Languages. And each love language will resonate differently with each of us. So let me guide you through a very brief outline of each of these love languages:
WORDS OF APPRECIATION
This one is fairly self-explanatory, but it’s words of praise; appreciation; gratitude; recognition. These words can be spoken or written down, so it could be saying I love you in the morning, or it could be a heartfelt Valentine’s card. The caveat here is that the words need to be SPECIFIC and GENUINE. They need to come from the heart. They need to be meaningful.
So for some people this love language will resonate most, and they will get a genuine sense of joy from being told how beautiful they are, or how much they are loved. They might become emotional at receiving a love letter or poem.
Does this sound like you? Have a think as we move through these love languages, which resonate most with you.
PHYSICAL TOUCH
Okay another fairly obvious one, this encompasses non-verbal affection. It’s cuddles and kisses, it might be holding hands on a walk, a comforting rub of the hand on your back at the end of a tough day. In a more intimate setting it might be a massage or a body rub, where you’re enjoying the sensation of someone you love touching you.
And going back to hugs, remember that LONG hugs, of around 10 seconds or more, are scientifically proven to have a positive impact on our health.
RECEIVING GIFTS
Okay now this one might cause some internal battles for some people, with feelings of guilt as we’re often told not to be materialistic. However, for some people receiving gifts gives them joy. And it’s not always about physical objects. It might well be an experience. For a lot of people it’s about the surprise rather than the actual gift itself. It might also be the fact that the person giving has put so much thought into the gift, so it shows they have been thinking of the receiver even when they’re not together. There’s absolutely no shame in this being the language that resonates with you! If gifts are your love language, embrace it!
ACTS OF SERVICE
The fourth love language, according to Chapman, is acts of service. This means doing something for someone else. It might be cooking them dinner. It might be offering to drop the kids off at school when you know they’re busy. It might be cleaning the house when they are out. This is essentially doing things you know your other half (or whoever we are talking about) would like you to do. These acts don’t necessarily have to take a lot of time, either, and it’s the act of trying to HELP which is the language here, because it signals that you were thinking of the other person even when they’re not around.
QUALITY TIME
Okay this one, as you might expect, is about having the opportunity to really and truly connect with someone else, away from the distraction of life. It’s about engaging with the other person, making you both feel like you’re the only thing in existence in that time and place. It’s about eye contact, and holding space for that person. Listening to them, and being genuinely interested in what they have to say. It could be as simple as going for a walk with them. It might be the classic dinner date. But it could also be having a bath together. Or even reading a book with one of your kids.
Fabulous, that brings us to the end of our whistle-stop tour of the 5 Love Languages. Now, let’s head over to #coachingcorner to figure this out…
So, now that we’ve got a basic understanding of the 5 Love Languages, it’s time to unpack it all a bit and dive into those all important 3 steps to a successful relationship after kids. And before we do that I want to explain in very simple terms how this works… so we’ve talked before about your energy, and a need to keep that tank topped up, whether that’s through ensuring your needs are met, or committing to weekly playdates with yourself, or whatever. Now think about love and relationships (romantic or otherwise), and imagine each of the relationships you have as having their own tank, which is filled with love.
Someone you love performing any one of the love languages will fill your tank. BUT your preferred love language will help top your tank up faster, because it resonates more with you. So all of the love languages will move the dial slightly, BUT digging deep and finding out which love languages resonate with others most is where the magic happens, because that’s where you can fill each other’s tanks most efficiently, and with most meaning.
So let’s move onto those steps:
STEP ONE: DISCOVER YOUR PRIMARY LOVE LANGUAGE
This is a REALLY important foundation step, which you absolutely must do before you move on to thinking about anyone else’s love language. Because you need to know what floats your boat, so that you can understand both how someone else can better fill your tank, but also because it will help you understand WHY you might, for example, be showering your kids with gifts in an effort to show them how much you love them (hint - this may be your primary love language, but it may not be theirs!).
Okay so for some of you, as I’ve talked through those love languages, one or two will have instantly resonated more with you - and that’s great. Those are likely your primary and secondary love languages.
For others of us (myself included when I first did this!) there may be some confusion as two or more feel equal to us in terms of importance. In this instance I want you to ask yourself… Which of those 5 Love Languages gives you the most joy? Which of them make you feel loved above and beyond all the others? Which of them, if you didn’t have them, would make you feel least loved?
For example let’s say the battle is between words of affirmation and physical tough… Initially you might think these are your number one, equally as important as each other. First think about which element of physical touch is most important? Is it cuddling? Is it holding hands? Now think about what the most joyful element of words of affirmation is for you - is it being told “I love you”? Is it being told you are beautiful? Now imagine your partner is fulfilling all your needs when it comes to physical touch. BUT rather than also telling you how beautiful you are and how much they love you, they are imparting negative words onto you, being critical… Would you still feel loved by that person? If yes, then your primary love language is likely physical touch. If not, it’s likely words of affirmation.
Good, so keep asking yourself questions until you are happy that you can order the 5 Love Languages in order of how much they resonate with you. This is brilliant self-awareness work here, so well done. It’s not easy to do things like this, and to be objective and see yourself from enough of a distance to identify things like this. So if you need help, email me at [email protected] to book some 121 sessions.
Once you’ve done this and you KNOW your love languages, it’s important to vocalise them with the people you love. They need to know how to connect with you, and by telling them, you can make it super easy for them to fill your tank! How powerful is that?
STEP TWO: DISCOVER YOUR PARTNER’S/KIDS’ PRIMARY LOVE LANGUAGE
Okay now I’ve said partner here, but you could do this for your kids, for your family members, for your friends. It works in a very similar way. And there are a couple of ways to do this… either you go ahead and explain the 5 Love Language to them - feel free to get them to listen to this podcast if you think it would help, or buy a copy of Gary Chapman’s book. And then ask them to self-identify what their primary love language is.
OR, if you want to be more covert then you could just start to go a bit Poirot on this… get your detective alter ego out and look for clues… when is your partner happiest? What seems to get them in a loving mood? ASK them, what makes them feel more loved…?! Help them explore their love languages until you think you know which is their primary one.
Now I’m going to give you a bit of a cheat here… If you’re REALLY struggling with identifying either your own or your partner’s love language, there is an online quiz you can do which will help you, here. But I really encourage you to do your own investigation first, as the whole thing can be a really good bonding exercise.
STEP THREE: FILL EACH OTHER’S LOVE TANKS!
Okay now there are some important notes here… Firstly this is not a tick-box exercise… Knowing someone’s primary love language is words of affirmation, and health-heartedly saying “I love you” as they walk out the door to work every morning ain’t going to cut it… The whole point in these love languages is they have to be HEARTFELT and MEANINGFUL. Or else it just doesn’t count. So really put some thought and effort into this part. Think about activities that fall within that love language and really put your heart into performing some of them for your partner.
The second point is, let’s say you’ve discovered your partner’s primary love language is receiving gifts. But up until now you’ve not really understood this and so haven’t been a big gift giver, and they seem okay with that… Remember, “okay” is not “happy”. Okay is not what we are striving for here. We are striving for a successful, happy relationship which means you both get JOY out of each other. So in this case, it’s almost even more important to get this step right.
So get your thinking cap on and come up with some creative ways you can fill your partner’s tank. And you can do the same for family members, friends, anyone you have a deep relationship with.
Good job, Mama!
Now, we’re almost at the end of today’s show but before we go, I want to set you a #coachingchallenge… Now I know today’s session has been a LOT and you likely have quite a bit of homework to do on the back of it, so I’m going to make this one FUN…
I want you to set-up a #datenight, either for you and your partner, or you and your kids, or you and your best friend. Either way, set something up. It doesn’t have to mean spending loads of money at a restaurant either. It could be grabbing a pizza and staying home, or you cooking them dinner. Whatever it is, though, I want you to relate it back to their primary love language…….
For example, if their primary love language is acts of service, maybe you could cook them a nice meal, or order take-out? If it’s receiving gifts, maybe plan the whole thing as a surprise! If they resonate with words of affirmation, maybe you layer in a love letter or card with some lovely words about them written inside? For physical touch, be conscious about touching their hand across the table, or sitting next to them, rather than opposite, so that you can rub their back whilst you chat. And for quality time, I want you to limit any “day to day” chitchat to the first 20 minutes of the date. After that, put a strict rule around only being able to talk to each other from a place of reconnection. (If you’re doing this with a partner, that means no talk about the kids, chores or work after the first 20 mins!)
When you’re in the moment, ENJOY the whole thing, Mama! And try to take note about how the different elements of the #datenight make you feel! Which elements gave you the most joy? Did any of them surprise you?
And communicate this with your partner! Let them know that the card they’ve written to you means SO much. Or that the fact you could sit so close and hold hands under the table makes your heart skip a beat. Because the more you can verbalise what makes you happy, the easier you make it for them to please you.
And that’s a BRILLIANT step towards a successful relationship after kids.
Now, before you go I want to tell you a bit more about the mobile app I mentioned earlier! It’s going to be your one-stop shop to all things Mumstoppable, wherever and whenever you need it.
So, If you've enjoyed the Mumstoppable® podcast but want more; if you're intrigued by how coaching could help you rediscover yourself or help you grow your confidence; if you long to feel seen and heard outside of being just "mum" but aren't sure where to start... the Mumstoppable® app is for you.
I've created this app to turn the world of coaching on its head. I know how hard it is being Mum (and often losing yourself in the process). I also know how damn life changing coaching can be, but I also acknowledge that 1:1 coaching isn't an option for a lot of mums. It is often expensive, you have to commit to regular time slots, and it's ANOTHER thing to add to your list.
By combining my love of technology (I had a long and happy career in videogames) with my passion for coaching mums to help them find themselves again, I have designed and created a mobile app that brings you expert coaching support at your fingertips. It's built so you can dip in and out of the content as and when you need to with no need to book regular slots, or even commit to watching videos. In fact, most of the content is audio based so you can dip in and listen whilst you're busy doing all the other things on your to-do list, whilst still making time to work on you!
Using my bespoke Mumstoppable® Method, I'll support you to rediscover your pre-mum sparkle by:
⚡ Asking you to commit to just 30 minutes per week... and that's broken down into chunks for you to complete whenever you can
⚡ Giving you access to expert guided coaching sessions, tools and techniques to help you rediscover who you are behind the "mum mask" (and for those of you familiar with the podcast, we'll be visiting #coachingcorner and I'll be setting a coaching challenge each week!)
⚡ Monthly group coaching sessions to keep you on track
⚡ Membership to the Mumstoppable® community, where you can connect to other mums
When the app launches in March, I'll be looking for a group of founding members who will get access to:
⚡ Access to my signature course, "12 weeks to a Mumstoppable You", which is designed around 3 core pillars: clarity, connection and commitment. Each week I'll ask you to commit to spending just 30 mins in total (and you have the flexibility of being able to dip in and out of the content across the week) working through bite-sized audio lessons. These will allow you to: get clarity on who you are, connect with yourself and others, and commit to a future of feeling Mumstoppable. You will also have the option of completing worksheets within the app (to save you having to dash to find a pen and paper!).
⚡ BONUS 1: monthly group coaching calls to keep you on track
⚡ BONUS 2: daily affirmations to help you shift your perspective and start to love yourself again
⚡ BONUS 3: access to the Mumstoppable community where you can connect with other mums, stay accountable and ensure long-term results
⚡ BONUS 4: access all of the above via the Mumstoppable mobile app, so that you can get all the support you need whenever and wherever you need it
⚡ BONUS 5: access to new content and challenges once the 12 week course has ended, continued access to the Mumstoppable community and monthly group coaching calls
I'm SO excited to bring this support to you, Mama! If you're as excited as I am, click here and pop your details in the box to sign up to the waitlist and be the first to find out how to sign up to become a founding member when we launch in March 2024!
I really hope to see you there!
That brings us to the end of this week’s blog! Thank you once again for joining me, and well done for spending the last 30 mins doing something just for you!
Enjoy working through this week’s coaching corner tips, and as always, I would LOVE to hear how you’re getting on with the coaching challenge, so please feel free to send me a quick email at [email protected] or find me on Instagram at @mumstoppable_ and send me a DM or leave a comment on one of my posts.
You will also be able to find reminders of the coaching corner tips and details of the coaching challenge on Instagram towards the end of the week.
Over the coming weeks I’ll be talking to you about challenges facing mums ranging from feeling lost and like you don’t know who you are anymore, to surviving overwhelm as a mum, to motherhood and the strains that puts on your relationships, to the struggle of returning to work. Please also feel free to email me with any challenges you’re facing which you’d like me to cover off on upcoming sessions.
If you’ve liked what you’ve read today, please do sign up to my newsletter by clicking the side bar on the left. As a thank you for signing up, you can choose to receive my FREE Self-Love Journal, which is full of gorgeous self-love exercises and a 14 day journal template for you to print and fill out.
And more importantly, by signing up, you’re guaranteeing you’ll never miss a blog post (or Podcast episode!) as they will land directly in your inbox every Monday morning.
For now, though, have an awesome week, and remember:
I see you, Mama.
You’ve got this.
You are Mumstoppable!
